I know this sounds silly but I’ve fallen in love with Brett from Suede…..(Cue general hoots of incredulity and comments like ‘Fuck off!’, ‘Who put that in there?’ and ‘Coincidentally, this letter’s been given to Blur! What a suprise.’)
This may not sound like anything strange, but I’m a boy. I’m so worried that I might be gay. I have all sorts of fantasies about Brett. I have never felt this way about a male before and I’ve had lots of girlfriends, even though I’ve never been all the way. Please help, I’m not homophobic but until now I had felt very confident about my sexuality.
Graham: “Now’s your chance to have that homosexual experience Brett!” (He’s alluding, of course, to Brett’s infamous claim that he’s a ‘bisexual who’s never had a homosexual experience.’)
Alex: “It’s alright Tony. We understand Brett’s looking for someone just like you!”
Graham: “Tony, I think you should go all the way with one of the girlfriends. You know, try it out, and if it’s not your bag, do something else.”
Damon: “You may be gay. Don’t worry about it. If you’re confused about whether you’re gay or not, your best bet is to try and find an environment where there are other people who can talk about it, and identify with you. Also, once you realise that being gay is only part of your personality, then it will all become a lot easier.”
Alex: “And you get yourself down to Old Compton Street, mate.”
Damon: “But I would add that falling in love with people in the media is a bad idea. Brett is a very heterosexual male. And this letter is just an example of him messing people up through wantonly ambiguous declarations about his sexuality. Next!"
Melody Maker, 1994
Tashiro-jima (or Tashirojima), 田代島, is a small island in Japan. It has become known as “Cat Island” due to the large stray cat population that thrives as a result of the local belief that feeding cats will bring wealth and good fortune. The cat population is now larger than the human population on the island.